Spyglassez If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. There are many things I love about my husband. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. Grow up, already. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. Ha! Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Addie Pray Interested in science? Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . painted_lady Absolutely Dad! Not from Scranton either! But you know what. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. But what upset me more is his reaction. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. This sounds a lot like my childhood! Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. Older and (hopefully) wiser July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Nip . So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? That was my guess too. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. All rights reserved. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. For my husband he has to do all the driving. I cant believe you didnt address that. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. . Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. lemongrass The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. Most certainly. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Things like going for ice cream. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Definitely! bittergaymark Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. 2. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. My comment obviously wasnt clear. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. He is clearly not getting the message. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. I forgive you!. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Make it easier for him to be his best self. WWS. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? lets_be_honest It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Just. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. But mom, dont do the us versus him. Entirely too much. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! They wouldnt do that, would they? I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. THIS. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. I thought that was actually really funny. I strongly agree with this. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Mommy and daddy present a united front. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? Seriously, this guy is an asshole. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. lets_be_honest Find a common ground youve got to. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? Skyblossom I second this. Terms & Conditions . if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. , temperance It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. They loved it, I hated it. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Manage Settings Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. I got a very different vibe from this. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. Sometimes those things just happen. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? I think I read this differently than Wendy. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. I mean, maybe? Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Being oblivious to financial matters. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Settlers of Catan! Or find something neutral. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. She played Meribor (spelling.) A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. temperance At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? Neither does your husband. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Did we always get along? July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Aaaaah! My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! Im peace-ing out. He came home four hours later. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. I mean ever. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family.
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